I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
