he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
barbara walters just said penis...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
