when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Drake has all the answers
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
