Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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