i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
