I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
