all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
