i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
