you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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