I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
