I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my liver is dry heaving
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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