I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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