she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
