A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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