my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
