im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
