somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
