I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
