Michael Bay diarrhea
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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