I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
