Soap is not a condiment
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
