Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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