Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
