Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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