I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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