Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
