I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
