We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
