we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
