I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
