i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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