WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize