I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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