If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
