making cat noises will not fix the situation.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
