Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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