Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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