I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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