this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
