You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
