Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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