Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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