remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
