The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
