your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
