i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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