The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
