I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
