I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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