my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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