u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cannot find my penis.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
