i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
