I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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