I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
