i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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