I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
