I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
